God created the family in the garden of Eden.

Family is the basic organizational unit of all society.  In fact, without family, there is no society or culture or church for that matter. 

Science and business have discovered that businesses relate as families. They obey the laws of family dynamics.

Many are using family therapists to help them operate more efficiently

We also find that churches obey the laws of family dynamics, after all they are the family of God.

If the church is a family, it will obey the dynamics of families.

I. Definitions

A. What is a family?

About as many definitions as there are people...

Family structure is an explosive and politically sensitive issue in our culture today

It is a system, it is much like a machine- like a windup clock
For it to operate correctly, each person (gear) much interact with the other members (gears) in a specific manner.

Family Dynamics of a church family

We tend to relate to each other as we related to various members of our family of origin.

To the pastor --- as we did to dad ---- one of the biggest headaches that pastors have to deal with

Staff ---- as to big brother/sister, stepbrother, foster brother/sister (not really related)

Each other as to brother or sister – good, bad or otherwise

Certain members --- as to big brother or sister, uncle or aunt

Who in the church reminds you of your various relatives?

1. Church becomes dysfunctional for the same reasons that any family does ...

Tries to operate like a business rather than a family.
                                    Different goals –
Make money, grow business – bound together by paycheck ----  business
Glorify God and grow the people –
bound together by blood, relationship, love ---- church

The ideas of independence, individual rights and egalitarian relationships are great in politics but do not belong in families or churches – based upon what God tells us in His word.

Usually reflects dad's (pastor's) attitudes (pew reflects the pulpit)
1. It refuses to adapt ... does not adjust to new paradigms (family who lost a child)

Reacts to problems rather than dealing with them

2. Dad does not have the family as 1st priority ahead of his personal agenda  (example – Joel Gregory)

3. It ignores feelings/emotions

B. Ignorance – the family has not been taught how to behave

I Tim. 3:14  These things write I unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly: 15 But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know (see, understand, learn) how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house (oiko = home, house, family) of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth.

Eph. 4:11And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; 12For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:

Ministers are a gift to the church from God
They are to equip the congregation to do the work of ministering
By so doing, the church is built up
 
Heb. 13: 7Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation.

The church is to voluntarily obey the ministers

Heb. 13: 17Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

Why did God give the church, leaders if He did not intend for them to be followed?

Difference between Sagemont and most churches

• Original pastor
• Will change before too many years – one very important reason to understand this session – Sagemont Church will become a “blended family” --- we will have a stepdad
• Most churches are blended families

Characteristics of blended families

Stepfamilies are more likely to have problems and break up

Harder for the stepparent to love the stepchild than to love a natural child

Remarriage neither produces nor restores the intact family structure.

Blended families have great difficulty accumulating wealth

Blended families usually have less peace and security

As I go through the rest of these characteristics, please think about churches that you have known.

Stepchildren ----

• Stepchildren normally resent the stepparent
• Bro. ____ never did it that way

• Children of divorce normally are:

Impulsive, aggressive, have low self-esteem, etc.        

• They have problems with:

Trust, guilt, anger, isolation, abandonment

• Males seem to have more difficulty with divorce, less with remarriage

• Takes about five to seven years for stepparent to be able to   manage the stepchildren

--- the average Baptist pastor changes churches every couple of years ---- and we wonder why so many of our churches are on the decline and why the divorce rate is so high ---- the only way that we teach anyone anything is by example, so what kind of example is a pastor who moves around setting?

• Requires longer for stepchildren to really love the stepparent, may also need previous parent's permission

• Takes a long time to resolve loyalty issues

• Takes a long time before the stepchildren trust stepparent not to leave them ... fear of abandonment

• About one-third of the stepchildren feel that the stepparent is not part of the family and will never accept them

The stepchildren are not mean, just that they have been hurt by the loss of their “dad.” Don’t forget, “Hurt people hurt people.”  The kids are hurting and need to be ministered to by “dad.”

Most pastors do not understand these principles and that is one reason why so many hip-hop from church to church every couple of years.  Another reason is a lack of commitment.

A church that is looking for a pastor should always explore a candidate’s record --- How many churches has he been with?
--- usually gives you a clue as to whether he is concerned with the church’s best interest or his own

How long was each stay?
Why did he leave? --- his view and the church’s view
How did he leave? --- there is a right way and a lot of wrong ways

Stepfather

• There usually is no honeymoon
• Usually does not understand the dynamics and moves after a year or two
• For the most part pastor decides if this will be a marriage or just cohabitation with the church
• Is there commitment and bonding on both party’s (church and pastor) part?
• Church is both “wife & stepchildren”
• Stepchildren always resent the stepdad
• Takes 5 to 7 years to manage stepfamily, normally
• Takes a long time to resolve loyalty issues with the church members and gain their trust.

                     Bro. ____ never did that
                     Bro. ____ always said ____
                    Afraid they will leave
                    No confidence in them yet
                    Fearful of being hurt again

Stepmother ...

1. Pastor’s wife is the stepmom
                                               
2. Takes longer to be accepted by the “kids”
3. Wicked stepmother stereotype
4. Target of much resentment
5. Has probably displaced a "daughter" who was acting in a "mother" role (like during the period without a pastor)

Staff person... (or adopted, or foster or illegitimate child)

1. Staff member (associate pastor, youth minister, music minister, etc; while wife = foster child)
2. Not a real sibling to any of the other "children" - more like a stepbrother (or bastard)
3. Not related to stepdad
4. Not a parent like the stepfather, no real authority
5. Most preachers are hostile and insecure
6. If the "children" accept you as one of them, how does stepdad react?
7. You can easily be kicked out of the family by dad or other kids

Staff person’s spouse

            Not related to stepkids

E. Dixon Murrah
June 15, 1990
(Rev. March 14, 2009)

 III. Some thoughts about a particular family
A. Joseph and Mary metaphor – the problem is never the problem, it is always a metaphor for the problem. Metaphor (from the Greek language: Meaning "transfer") is language that directly compares seemingly unrelated subjects.

1. Mary - God chose the unexpected, unlikely, to give birth to His son
2. Church - God chose the unexpected, unlikely, to give birth to His children
3. Joseph - He was the stepfather, he had nothing to do with the conception of the child
           a. He was to be responsible for caring for the wife and child
           b. He was to provide for their needs, protect and teach them
           c. He was loyal to that one wife
           d. He taught the child what he knew

4. Pastor -
           a. He is responsible for caring for the wife and children
           b. He is to provide for their needs
           c. He is supposed to be loyal to that one wife

2 Cor 11:2  For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused (joint, woo, betroth) you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.

1 Cor 4:1  Let a man so account of us, as of the ministers of Christ, and stewards of the mysteries of God.
1 Cor 4:2  Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.

He should love that wife/church/ministry